I keep hearing from family, friends and acquaintances that I’m engaged, when, in truth, Russell and I are courting. I don’t mind that people think I’m engaged, because I am as committed to Russell as if we were engaged or even married. Our commitment to each other is not the issue. What I am concerned about it is that I’m going to have a bunch of confused people coming to me in a few months when they hear I am engaged and thought I already was engaged. Let me explain the definition of courtship so we are all on the same page and understand each other.
As it is, many people get confused between courtship and dating. The old fashioned term “courting” is becoming popular. Some call dating courtship, and others call courtship dating. There is a difference between the two! There is also a difference between courting and engagement. I’ll get to that. This is my definition and opinion of courtship versus the popular practice of dating.
Courtship is the process of a young man feeling an attraction to a young lady and beginning to pray about her as his future wife. If he feels that a relationship would be God’s will, he then goes to his father and the two of them discuss the subject and pray about it. If, at this point, they both feel it is God’s will, they then approach the father of the girl, and the three of them discuss it and pray about the union. If, after they have prayed about it, they feel it is God’s will, they then approach the young lady and ask her to pray about it and consider whether she believes she could marry the young man. When the young man, the father of the young man, the father of the young lady, and the young lady reach an agreement that there is a mutual attraction and God is in it, then the process of courtship begins.
Like dating, courtship is the process of a guy and a girl getting to know each other better. But there is a huge difference. Dating is the process of a girl and a guy getting to know each other on a casual, one-on-one basis, with or without chaperones, and without a definite commitment to each other regarding the future of that relationship. Courtship, on the other hand, involves chaperones, includes family involvement, and a serious commitment about the future. A courtship is started only when the young man and the young lady strongly feel that God is leading them into the relationship and that the end result will be marriage. This area of commitment is the fork in the road--where dating and courtship separate into two different directions.
Allow me to present you with something to think about. The human heart has various chambers and valves which are responsible for distributing your life’s blood to all parts of your body and then pumping it back to the heart where the process is repeated over and over again. Don’t ask me to go into detail, because I am certainly not an expert on the human heart. I’m just glad knowing mine works! Thank God! But think about this: What if you had to have heart surgery and your surgeon decided you didn’t need your whole heart. Having made this decision, he begins to take your heart apart, severing your arteries and valves and other crucial components. You would be saying, “Um, excuse me! That’s my heart! I need it to survive! It doesn’t function properly when it’s divided piece by piece! I need it--as a whole--to live!!!” This would be unthinkable!
Why is it that we realize the importance of having our physical heart together as a whole, but our emotional heart can be shattered into bits, so that some pieces are not accounted for because they were given away to undeserving donees? The practice of dating promotes guys and girls casually hopping from one relationship to another, getting emotionally and sometimes physically involved, but never having that crucial element of commitment. Meanwhile, they are giving portions of their hearts away to someone who is not willing to cherish the most precious gift a person can give--their love. The end result is broken trust and heartache.
Commitment is something that is almost nonexistent today as we see marriages falling apart at an alarming rate. And why are they falling apart? Because the noncommittal practice of dating carries on into the marriage relationship. The dating mentality is “If I don’t like her, I’ll dump her and move on to somebody else.” In a dating relationship, a single person treats their girlfriend/boyfriend with this casual attitude. This same thinking process carries on into marriage, and a wedding vow means nothing more than signing some paperwork. Marriage is a commitment which is only made legal by signing papers. If the one-woman man/one-man woman principle (it’s called commitment) is not present before marriage, simply signing a legal document isn’t going to change anything after marriage! This is why divorce is prevalent today!
It all boils down to this: The dating mentality erodes the foundational principle of commitment, which anyone knows is vital in any relationship, romantic or not. Why would I entrust my love to a man who doesn’t love me enough to marry me? This is the conclusion of the matter: Dating is a practice devised by the devil. God could not have established a practice that would bring about so much confusion, sorrow, and, in some extreme cases, death (suicide).
A mutual commitment is established when a courtship begins. If an agreement is made, without the intent of marriage, then it cannot be called courtship, but should be called dating instead. Dating is just that--a date. The only dates you will ever find in the Bible are the kind you eat. Another definition of a date is an appointment you make and try to meet…on time. (Does that sound familiar to you too? (chuckle) Dating is “trying it out” to see if it works, and then getting engaged if you discover you are “compatible.” Courtship is praying, getting a definite yes or no from God, and then beginning the process of a courtship, with the intent of marriage, if it is God’s will. You might call courtship pre-engagement.
Courtship is the mental and emotional preparation for marriage. The physical element of the romantic relationship--hugging, kissing, and holding hands--is excluded and saved for that wonderful wedding day! When the father of the bride places his daughter’s hand in that of the groom--a symbol that she is being given into her husband’s care and protection--that is the first touch. When the preacher announces, “You may now kiss the bride,” that is the first kiss. If you think carefully about those words, it really means that for the groom to kiss the bride at any point before the wedding would not be right! Notice the “now,” indicating the present. The attraction and passion a young man and young lady feel for each other is strong enough in itself, without adding gasoline--a physical touch--to the fire, and, therefore, making it more difficult to remain pure until marriage. This is another area in which dating falls exceedingly short of godly standards. (“It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” 1 Corinthians 7:1 “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication.” 1Thessalonians 4:3 “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” 1Thessalonians 5:22)
Old fashioned courtship was the process of a young man wooing a young lady--getting to know her better, showing interest in the things that interest her, discussing beliefs and ideas, bringing her tokens of his affection (flowers, candy, etc.), and expressing his love in word and in deed--by sacrificially giving of himself, which is a representation of the selfless love Christ had when He gave his life on the cross of Calvary. A courtship should display a Christ-like love that is not selfishly intent on satisfying fleshly desires, but, rather, is more happy to give than to receive. When this practice is carried on into marriage...my, what a joyful marriage that will be!
Now you understand how and why I believe dating and courtship differ from each other. In a dating relationship the commitment comes in when a couple gets engaged. In a courting relationship commitment is there from the very beginning. Perhaps that is why some people misunderstood our courtship for engagement--because they saw commitment right from the start. On July 14, 2009, Russell proved just how much he loves me when he sacrificed his time, money, and energy to travel all the way to Holland to ask if he could court me. His week-long visit was not an ice cream date. We are going to be getting married; right now we are courting. The ring Russell presented me with is a promise ring--a symbol of his love and commitment to me. It would be extremely unwise on my part if I entrusted my heart to Russell without being assured that he reciprocates my love and is going to ask me to marry him. This is the difference between the casual practice of dating and the one-love/only-love commitment of courtship.
11 comments:
I must say, Hannah, that you explained that better than I ever could have explained it. I have been telling people that and they give me the look like they do not get it. Anyway.....excellent post! I love and miss you a ton!
Love ya,
~~
Russell
Thank you for putting so much thought into your post and explaining the difference between courtship and dating. I am currently in a courtship myself and loving every minute of it, thanking God everyday for this wonderful blessing!
One elderly man that knows the young man that is courting me was rather amazed that neither of us have ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend before and that we don't even hold hands!
It is rather sad that so many people find courtship such a shocking idea.
Congratulations and I hope you will continue to have a wonderful courtship!
Hannah, great job on the courtship versus dating post. Mrs. Chris and I are so pleased. We sure do love you, young lady. Overjoyed that soon, you will be our first daughter, although we have unofficially adopted many others, like Kim. But you are truly special to us. We thank God for you, and your dear family. Hallelujah!
Thanks for all your comments. They warmed my heart. =)
P.S.
Love you, Russell and Bro. Buddy!
Yes Ma'am! Ms. Hannah, I LOVE how you put in there what dating does to a marriage, and how too often, the marriage is only a contract on paper that can be torn up as well. AMAZING! Good stuff.
Ms. Elsie
That's a great explanation! In our family, we call the beginning of courtship, "betrothal", but you described exactly how we understand it - Thanks for the thoughts!
Clear and precise, Hannah! I've always loved how you come right to the point. =) If we simply choose to recognize and apply the perfect principles God has given us in His Word, we'll be spared enormous heartache and failure due to our own foolish ways. How very blessed are those who follow hard after His certain, steadfast ways!
Your good sense applied to God's Word is a source of guidance to many young people, sister! Seeing firsthand yours and Russell's testimony is such an encouragement to me and my family.
We've been QUITE busy. =) Last week was VBS, as you know. This week we're painting the auditorium (all done today--it looks BEAUTIFUL!) and classroom (beginning tomorrow). Next week we'll be starting school and full-time Bible college studies (and my herbology course). Though hectic, life is richly blessed--the LORD is good!
With love in our Savior,
Naomi
My Pastor said this was recommended reading, so I figured I'd check it out. :D
Really great post, sister! A very misunderstood topic. Also a very rare and unused method for young people anymore. Praise the Lord!
This explanation between courting and engagement sure is helpful. I had to look it up when you e-mailed me haha!
From my view, as a non-religious young woman, I can tell you that not every dating person just dates to be casual. A lot of them are very serious about it, sticking with their first love whom they dated. I had a couple of failed commitments myself, but even though it was sometimes painful when such a commitment broke, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Who really knows oneself at our age? I got to see for myself what I really want in a commitment, partner and in life, thanks to all the misery along the way of what we call 'dating'. Through failure, pain and misery we get to know the darkest corners of our souls and get to know others and ourselves a whole lot better.
But I have to agree with you that some people are just out there to play games and aren't looking to commit or stay with the same person forever (and the worst part: aren't honest about their intentions to the other). We cannot look into the future, we cannot see how we turn out, but luckily there are still people around who will do and risk everything to stick together, not matter what comes along the path.
Now you have the chance to do it the way you want to do it and see for yourself what you want from life and love. The only advice I can give you both is to always stay true to yourself. You cannot change yourself for someone other than you.
Love
Good post. We believe and call it betrothal. just one question, Why do you not just say you are engaged now? What will be the difference once you are engaged? blessings on yours and Russell's life
To answer your question: I cannot say I am engaged right now because I am not engaged. Russell has not asked me to marry him (though we both know he is going to), and I don’t have an engagement ring. Usually the difference between courtship and engagement is that marriage plans are made after the engagement. The fact that I am all the way across the ocean and am only going to be in the States one time before we get married has made it essential that we start making plans now. That is what makes our courtship unique from your average couple. It does feel more like engagement, but it is not. How our courtship will vary from our engagement is something that we will deal with when we reach that point. God bless.
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